Thursday, 4 August 2016

The complicated matter of leaving

I long for adventure. My worst fear is living a beige life, a life without fun or meaning or unexpected delights. But when adventure comes, I find change is not as easy as I hope it will be. 

I live in my imagination. And often, sadly, I live in my (idealised) vision of the future. The places I will go, the people I will meet, the adventures I will have. One of my dreams has always been to live in London. Now I'm here...

...and I'm a little bit scared.

I'm not scared of London. Not at all! I adore the city - the buzz, the business, the culture, the wealth of opportunities. I think I am a bit scared of failing. Of not finding a job or good friends. Of finding that my dream of London doesn't match up to what I've envisioned. I'm scared that I might hate it. 

I know this is right. I know, I know, I know. But it doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss what I've left behind. For so many years I just wanted to flee my hometown and get busy living in London. Yet I've made a life for myself in Gloucester. I have friends I love, a great church, my family is there and I've had the joy of seeing my niece regularly. I have a bit of FOMO (fear of missing out, for those unaccustomed to internet acronyms) to be honest. Seeing all the pictures of my friends having fun and feeling I'm missing out, feeling like I'm drifting away from them. 

But on the other hand, a whole world of 'what if' awaits. I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but it's exciting. The unknown is scary but my overriding feeling about all this is anticipation - the possibility that my life might change wonderfully (how? That is just one more unanswered question). 

I am ready for the new, it's just a bittersweet goodbye to the old. 

P.S. Let me say this once and for all: I am not going to become a 'Londoner'. Once a county bumpkin from the Shire, always one! 

1 comment:

  1. Going after your dreams is always a little scary, but it always teaches you something! Even if it doesn't live up to your 'idealized' vision, you'll learn more about who you are and what you want.

    So proud of you Becky!! And can't wait to come visit you once you're settled! :D